Turning 30

As one of my friends wisely pointed out, while in my 20s, I got married, landed an awesome job, bought my first home, and gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Yet, there is something about this birthday that is making me finally feel “grown up.” The wedding didn’t do it, the baby didn’t do it, and the house didn’t do it, but suddenly now something has changed. All week, I’ve been wondering why.

They say age is just a number, but I’m not buying that. Like years of experience in an office, age is your experience in life. No matter how brilliant that bushy tailed fresh faced 22 year old out of college is, the 40 year old who has been dong her job for 20 more years offers something that matters. The employee with experience has seen failure, has tasted success, has found answers – the recent graduate feels invincible. And actually sometimes, she is. She isn’t afraid to try because she doesn’t know what failure feels like. She isn’t afraid to fail because she doesn’t have much to lose.

I can’t help but wonder, if being 30 means I’ll stop taking risks. I now have a family and a stable carreer. I have too much to lose to fail. Does it mean I’ll work harder to succeed?

Yesterday while I was still in my 20s, I looked at my peers in my age group and I felt accomplished. The 21 year old is still in college, still drinking too much and partying. The 23 year old is new in her carreer and still desperately fighting for validation in her job. The 26 year old might be tasting her first promotion. Or that carreer switch now that she has herself better figured out. Or she hasn’t been lucky enough to find it – or hardworking enough to go get it. At 29, I felt great because I had done that all. My peers now, however, are heads of businesses, politicians, successful entrepreneurs, and doctors. My peers are conducting open heart surgeries. My peers are hosting news shows. My peers tried and failed and are trying again. My peers are standing on top of a mountain that I now feel I am at the bottom of.

As I enter this next decade of my life, I feel the push and pull of needing to get the 6-7 hours of sleep I know I need to wake up smiling with Scarlett early every morning, wanting to skip that networking event to cook dinner with my husband and appreciate the life we’ve built, making the 7pm reservation but knowing the 9pm is cooler, wanting to travel more but worrying about what would happen to Scarlett if something happened to me, craving to be impulsive and silly and carefree but knowing I have bills to pay a reputation to protect and a life to care for other than my own. I was on the phone with my grandma this morning and she says to me “you feel old? You look like you’re 12. I bet you still get ID’ed when you go out!!” I quickly reminded her that you have to go out to get ID’ed. Is this my new normal?

I couldn’t help but ask myself if 30 means I am going to be boring and turn into that person who says no more than yes? Am I going to be that person who is the first to leave an event desperate to get home? Am I going to buy more flats than heels because flats are comfortable and my 30s are about functionality? Am I going to be too busy doing nothing, to do something? Am I going to wake up at 40 and feel like I did nothing for me. Is there even a me anymore or is my life more complex than that now?

I had a moment in the shower two days ago where I teared up and took all of these thoughts in – but then I found a way to make sense of it all. Now, at 30 I am faced with both the biggest challenge and opportunity life has presented to me thus far. I am at a crossroads with so much to feel grateful for and so much to lose. For that I am lucky. Maybe I don’t have to put all my chips on the table to reach success, but maybe I can gamble some of them. I still have ways to go, but I think I know who I am and what I personally want out of life that now it is on me to go get it. There is something beautiful about realizing this and taking that ownership.

What I want my 30s to be about is not the anxiety of having too much in a day to accomplish, but instead, deciding what matters and staying laser focused on my goals. Appreciating that I worked so hard in my 20s to put on my hiking boots and jacket to climb to the top of the mountain. What took me a while to realize is that success does not mean choosing one life over another – work versus home – but instead, finding a way for them to co-exist. For this birthday, instead of feeling nervous about the future, I am going to look back and appreciate everything I’ve done that led me to here.

Although I miss the days where none of this mattered, the days where I came before all else and impulsive decisions had no ramifications, and the days where I had thousands of paths to choose from and could enjoy discovering all my options – I am realizing today, more so than other days, how much sweeter and interesting life is with all of this complexity.

The foundation is there – now it’s time to launch. Not just for me, but for my family… and now, I can’t help but think, how cool is that? I’ll never stop dreaming, but now, as I enter my 30s, it’s time to start doing.